Today I had my wisdom teeth removed. It was a uniquely harrowing experience, and I shall recant it thusly:
Firstly and immediately most apparently, the surgeon’s place was run by what is probably Melbourne’s hottest cadre of receptionists. It seemed to be staffed exclusively by a squad of cloned Tori Blacks. Upon sighting this crack squad of trained leaning-over-their-desks-just-tantalisingly-too-far paper staplers, my jaw detached and smacked into the ground like an anaconda with a running start trying swallow whole the prey of its turned on-ness. One of the homunculi turned to me boobs-first and asked me of my purpose here, and I am sorry to say that I failed the crucial test of my Ladsmanship, stuttering like Professor Quirrell on anabolic steroids, throwing some sort of doctor paper at her face before retreating backwards into a billowing cloud of my own Gimp. I oozed into the waiting rooms and consoled myself with what was probably the most condescending science magazine I have ever read, until thankfully the only non-quasi-babin’ nurse in the whole building called me up to meet the anaesthetist.
The anaesthetist is important. He’s the one you want to slip a fifty to make sure he keeps his peepers firmly peeped on the proper knobs and gauges. Without wishing to cause offense in the seedy anaesthetist underground, my guy was basically the Joker out of the Dark Knight. If you haven’t seen the Dark Knight, then you do not exist, and I don’t remember friending any metaphysical anomalies. He came across as basically a heroin addict, or an alcoholic, judging by the way he pronounced the words “general anaesthetic” and how he kept trying to show me his tattoos. I christened him Noodles, after the lunatic guitarist of The Offspring.
I spied my surgeon only fleetingly. He entered the operating theatre as Noodles injected me with something I am trying so hard to believe was anaesthetic, carrying, I shit y’all not, a newspaper and a cup of Gloria Jean’s brownest. It was here that anybody not accidentally pumped full of home-brew would have postulated that a surgeon who brings something to do into an operating theatre was perhaps in sore need of a priority reshuffling, however I was rendered unable to do so by the feeling of liquid nitrogen being poured into my veins. Gay and Gayer the Eminently Smackable Male Nurses turned to me and put on their surgical masks, to which I instinctively glurbled ‘stick ‘em up, partner!’ If they had a sense of humour, they wouldn’t be a surgeon’s nurses. They have a job because they prefer hanging around people that can’t talk to them. I got halfway through a hilarious ‘ha ha oh shittt-‘ before suscepting to Noodle’s Medicine Bile, and drifting off into a toothy paradise.
I was roused from my slumber by a Welsh nurse yelling ‘wakey wakey!’ and, continuing the motifs of my tale, injecting me with what appeared to be a massive dose of methamphetamines. I promptly fell back asleep, causing her to do and say exactly the same thing again. Due to my post-op stupor, I failed to heed the human brain’s natural caution against the words “nigga you said that twice,” but luckily due to an overzealous and increasingly certainly intoxicated anaesthetist my jaw had all the elite muscle control of a wet salmon flopping away in a plastic bag, and her sensibilities remained uninsulted. For her height, I dubbed her Frodo, and silently bestowed upon her the dubious honour of Most Likely to Actually Have a Medical Qualification. Mother Dearest came to pick me up, and Frodo shoved me down the ex-patient chute just in time for collection.
I’m doing well thus far. I seem to have recovered from the operation ahead of schedule. Perhaps it’s the drugs. Cadbury the Ant King seems to agree with me on this, but then he would, wouldn’t he. While I still feel numb in half of my jaw, the swelling is not too bad, pausing only for a moment to exercise the old arrogance, remarking that no surgeon could ever ruin this face, bitches.
All in all I rate my unconscious sojourn 3 ½ Dr. Frankensteins out of 5, and recommend it to those who like to hang around hospitals and sniff things that weren’t made to be sniffed. But if that’s you, then I guess you already work at one! Oh sheet!
Things to Click
- A Wuss on Wisdom Teeth (chroniclesofaginandtonicdrinker.wordpress.com)
- Heartfelt Messages: Wisdom Teeth Removal Can Help! (heartfeltmessagesdotcom.com)
- Wisdom teeth (unclearpavement.wordpress.com)
- wisdom Teeth… (carries.typepad.com)
- Wisdom From My Wisdom Teeth (embracingnormal.com)
- Lea Michele: Cory Monteith’s Girlfriend Recovers From Pulled Wisdom Teeth! (celebs.gather.com)
- How Can Wisdom Teeth Improve Dental Marketing & SEO? TheWealthyDentist.com Reveals New Strategies (prweb.com)
- College girl after wisdom teeth surgery asks for Eli Manning (video) (offthebench.nbcsports.com)
- Wisdom Teeth – Wisdom Tooth Details (smileisrael.wordpress.com)
- 5 Useless Body Parts (livescience.com)